Apple Declares the Professional Photographer "Obsolete" (With Just 80 Hours of Training and a Lighting Crew)
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple officially signaled the end of the professional photography industry this week with the unveiling of the iPhone 2P. The tech giant claims the new device "levels the playing field," effectively rendering $1,200-an-hour professionals unnecessary by putting "professional-grade" results into the hands of anyone with a finger and a data plan.
“The iPhone 2P promises to democratize high-end aesthetics through computational wizardry.” According to Apple, the device’s "digital button" now creates a depth of field previously reserved for cumbersome, high-priced prime lenses. Furthermore, its enhanced dynamic range reportedly allows the average consumer to capture nighttime images with "visible sensibility," finally conquering the dark without the need for technical expertise.
The "Everyman" Case Study
To demonstrate that specialized talent is now, in their words, “a legacy concept”, Apple conducted a field test with a group of non-photographers. The participants were instructed to shoot "anything" they desired to prove the 2P’s intuitive nature.
However, to ensure the transition from amateur to auteur was seamless, Apple provided a modest amount of baseline support:
The 80-Hour "Quick Start": Participants attended a two-week, 40-hour-a-week residency at Apple Headquarters.
The Basics: The group was introduced to "rudimentary" concepts, including the nine lighting patterns, compositional theory, and the use of reflectors to manipulate natural light.
Advanced Logic: Experts with 60 years of collective professional experience coached the group on the complexities of posing individuals, couples, and large families to ensure "photographic appeal."
"Effortless" Daily Life
Recognizing that capturing daily life can be a chore, Apple also ensured that each test subject could document their routine "without fanfare." To achieve this, the company paired every participant with a local production company. Each "regular person" had a dedicated professional lighting team stationed at their home to help them light their scenes "effortlessly" as they went about their day.
"The results speak for themselves," the press release stated, showcasing stunning, high-fidelity images of families and landscapes captured by the test group.
Availability and "Optional" Extras
The iPhone 2P is slated for a Fall 2028 release, starting at $1,200. For those who wish to replicate the "stunning" results of the press release, Apple is offering a supplemental class for an additional $1,300.
With the hardware, the two-week intensive training, the 60 years of expert consultation, and a personal on-call lighting crew, Apple remains confident that the general population will finally have no need for a well-trained professional photographer.
